Should You Keep Secrets from Your Spouse After the Wedding?

Keeping secrets from your spouse… If that’s not the favorite plot twist for our Pakistani Drama Writers, I don’t know what is. This has been ruining married lives for as long as storytelling existed. The protagonist being in a relationship with someone, ends up marrying someone else. And now the dilemma of keeping secrets from your spouse or spilling the beans and ruining the base of your relationship, that is trust. So how does one figure out what is the right choice. 

Well, let’s be honest. There’s no objective answer to this question. Keeping secrets from your spouse or just waiting to be comfortable enough to talk about certain things are two different things but very much correlated. 

Every Couple is Unique

Every couple is destined to hit this road block one or the other in their relationship. One thing to notice here is that every couple is different. Which implies that there are couples who like to share their day-to-day life routines. Including the mundane things like what they had for lunch, at what time did they leave their workplace, etc. However, some couples like to respect the privacy of each other. They communicate too but not on a similar level. 

Bottom Line: STOP COMPARING YOURSELF WITH OTHERS!

Couple Claustrophobia

Feeling suffocated in a relationship is a genuine concern for many couples. When partners become so involved in each other’s life that they can hardly spend time apart. It can lead to feelings of overwhelm and make one or both individuals withdraw. This withdrawal often acts as a root of additional issues, causing strain on the relationship.

So, maintaining a sense of individuality within the relationship is crucial for both partners and the relationship's health. Privacy plays a significant role in this, allowing each person the space and freedom to nurture their own identity and interests. By respecting each other's need for personal space and boundaries, couples can cultivate a healthier and more fulfilling connection.

Privacy vs Secrecy 

Privacy entails pretty much the basic human right. There are things that you would like to keep to yourself like your thoughts and observations about little things. Essentially, the things that do not have any influence on anyone else. However, that is the crucial part and marks the difference between privacy and secret. But if a person does not want to reveal things about him/herself that are a cause of hurt and resentment for them. It should be respected as long as they do not involve you. 

Secret, unlike privacy, is something that you intentionally keep from your partner. Its reasons could be numerous but the premise remains the same. This means that sometimes, the intention behind keeping secrets from your partner is not malicious or ill-intended. It could be to protect your partner from any hurt or harm that might be caused by revealing that secret. Maybe someone said something about your partner. You heard it. Now instead of being, as people in our culture call it “Phatta Dhol.” You decide to keep it to yourself. Just like a good spouse.

PrivacySecrecy
BoundaryDishonesty 
HealthyToxic 
Not HarmfulHurtful
Does not Violate TrustIntentionally Hiding & Mistrust

Nevertheless, sometimes it is not as simple as this example. Things can get complicated really fast. 

Is Keeping Secrets from Your Partner Always Bad?

In the context that we have just gone over, the simple answer is YES! 

But but but… Life is almost never Black and White. Situations aren’t as simple as they appear to be. So, it is important to consider the context and circumstances. 

So, What Should You Share?

It's crucial to share anything that could impact your partner or how they perceive you. Though it's wise to avoid revealing your deepest secrets, especially right after the wedding. Once trust has been established, however, being open about your true self, flaws and all, is important.

Vulnerability is a central aspect of intimacy, despite its challenges. While it can be daunting and messy, allowing yourself to be seen authentically by your partner fosters a connection on a deeper level. Intimacy involves trusting someone to accept you completely, without judgment. So, transparency in a relationship is vital for achieving this level of trust.

Here are some examples of topics you should consider sharing with your partner:

  • Your financial situation and beliefs about money
  • Family dynamics, including your relationship with your parents and family history
  • Any addictions or mental health struggles, and how your partner can support you
  • Serious illnesses within your family
  • Core beliefs and values
  • Views on children and parenting
  • Your approach to romantic relationships

Conclusion

Keeping secrets in a marriage can lead to significant issues. If you find yourself withholding information from your spouse, it's important to understand your motives and the potential repercussions. Healthy relationships are built on open communication, although not every detail needs to be disclosed. However, maintaining trust is essential.

Consider not only the act of keeping a secret but also the underlying reasons and the possible impact on both partners. Regularly checking in with yourself and your spouse is crucial to keeping communication lines open and ensuring that both feel secure and appreciated in the relationship.

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FAQs 

Should married couples keep secrets?

No, keeping secrets means intentionally hiding things from your partner. Obviously no matter what the intention behind it is, it feels like you’ve wronged or deceived your partner. 

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